the cat in the dollhouse

Farewell

2006-10-06T08:25:00.000+09:30

The dollhouse blog is over dear readers. The housemates were zombified by a VCR loop while watching recordings of Australian Idol and I was forced to eat them one by one after my kibble supply ran out. I'll be travelling to Sydney, Finland and London now to chow down on former housemate bloggers.

Soon, all dollhouse members shall exist together in my jelly-flab fat, united in my pores, my very being, like one gigantic and seething conglomerate of walls, white ceilings and slate floors, of messy bedrooms, unwashed dishes, overgrown tomato plants, bumblepee moneyboxes, KLF albums, Neighbours episodes, parties, laughs, tears and unsullied joy!

Something for the juvenile at heart

2006-09-07T16:24:00.000+09:30

Well, I think this blog has suffered of late. I was going to try and make something up that was controversial about the house, then I remembered I _do_ have something to impart to the world, or at least to people who aren't offended by rabid swearing...

At work a couple of weeks ago someone bought a huge new dictionary for the office. It's the size of about 10 phone books sewn together and has chic graphics on the cover. Aside from containing the meaning of everyday words, it also has definitions of things like 'cyberbludging' and 'Lisa Curry-Kenny'. It drew the immediate attention of anyone who entered our office, but the most startling thing about the new dictionary was the fact that 3 people within 2 days of seeing it asked straight away, 'Have you looked up the word fuck yet?'

I thought to myself, this is a thing people do?? Even when they're no longer in high school? Well, apparently so, because after the 3rd person asked the question, we decided, why the hell not look up the word fuck? So extraordinarily comprehensive was this dictionary that it not only didn't disappoint, it provided what seemed like pages upon pages of variations on the theme of fuck...

Fuck it
Fuck around
Fuck me dead
Fuck a duck
Fuck someone over/up
not give a (flying) fuck
Fuckable
Fuck-all
Fuckface
Fuck-knuckle
Fuckwit
Fuck truck - actually defined as "shaggin' wagon"

and finally my personal favourite (and a special one for AnnaMartine):

Fucken

It actually said Fucken. I'm still giggling even now.

Melbs!

2006-08-24T12:53:00.000+09:30

Sydney last fortnight, now I'm off to Melbourne this weekend, road-trip style with a group of friends.

We're telling people it's to see the Picasso exhibition, do a bit of shopping and catch up with people. But REALLY it's to get ahead on our celebrity spotting of that hotsvillian TV/sport personality, Eddie McGuire.

It wasn't enough that we saw Eddie last Friday night on the town in Adelaide, sipping cocktails in a swanky hotel lobby, or that the bravest of our group, let's call her Bel, approached him with a special handwritten note and conversed with him for at least a minute, asked him to join us for a drink and then walked away dejected from his polite refusal. No no, that clearly was not enough! Our desires have been fuelled by his rejection and we can only seek him out in his hometown and try again.

Maybe the next note could be swayed more to his tastes? I thought Bel's "Hi Eddie, you look bored. Would you like to have a drink with us? We are not famous" was pure genius. But maybe we can appeal to him with some "onya Collz!" "Get a dog up ya Mark Llewellyn!" or "you should have boned Jessica Rowe when you had the chance". Haha! Yes, these little ditties will be guaranteed to tempt him over to our humble group, and then it will be a nasty, grabbing tussle to the pash and dash. Oh, for it only to be true!

2006-08-07T08:40:00.000+09:30

I’m off to Sydney this week armed with a very thorough shopping list from my housemates of things that I “absolutely without fail must bring home for them”. Helen has unsurprisingly requested a new cane indoor setting much like this one:

For Audrey, it could only be the collected autographs of the NSW liberal party (I had to convince her keen soul that it wasn’t going to be on any part of my body, not for love nor money). For Adam, a self-help book for incessant bloggers. And a Transcat Pride t-shirt for Sesamina.

I’ll also catch up with that old doll Marla and her beau Mike in their superiornestoflove, will cultivate my own nestoflove with mjg and will walk the hallowed walls of Sydney Uni with Ann reminiscing about our bluestockinged foresisters. And if approval to hike up my visa card limit actually comes through today like I was promised, I may just hit the shops and bring home a few I ♥ Darling Harbour Lacoste t-shirts for myself.

who says Aaron Spelling is dead?

2006-08-03T16:39:00.000+09:30

so I'm going to change the subject, I'm searching for some non-tv related ditty. ummmm... Last night Sesame had the house to himself because the three sheilas of the house frequented an exhibition opening. Unfortunately the gentleman of the house was being elusive.
We three arrived and entered the room in a Charlie's Angels style. Confident, wind swept hair with fabulis model-walks in slow motion. Over the loudspeaker there was an awesome rock theme song which ended when we casually say 'three wines please'.
We were greeted by another house posse who live in their own 'Secret life of Us' storyline at the 263 CBD. After the chats we moved to a coolio pub where the mile end crew (again, 3 beautiful housemates from the wess-syeed) were hanging out. Fancy that, 3 groups of 3 housemates just wanting to spend time with each other, i'm loving the housing arrangements in 2006!

I dig it when our house posse meets up with other house groups because in these moments I get the faraway look in my eyes and reflect that we are so close to living the Melrose Place experience. Unfortunately though a very blonde 'Jane' pixie haircut is missing (i'm gently encouraging Cath to get this ticked). Also, there is limited inter-house shagging but this might be because we don't have andrew shue in the mix. Or Jake. hmmm, andrew or jake. how can a girl make the choice?

And the winner is....Predictability.

2006-07-31T22:44:00.000+09:30

As predicted, Jamie took out the title of Mainstream Australia's Favourite Duffhead not three hours ago.

This incessant drive to celebrate the most average of people was supposed to end with Logan Greg. After Tim amazingly failed to take the prize home last year, I was hesitant to get involved with the show's sixth outing.

Against my better judgement, my reasoning, my inner faith I was sucked back into the vortex once more! For a nano second, I truly believed Camilla might have a chance. That somehow, the 12 year old clones normally intent on freezing out the female might this once side with her instead. They might take courage from her articulate, forthright manner and identify with her occasional fragility.

But then, this is a country where teenage girls greet John Howard with giggles and hugs. How could I have expected anything more than crushing defeat?

To review: Australia voted in favour of an inarticulate wannabe Swede who lacks the knowledge of how to correctly wear pants and who spoke openly of having 'tender' sex with a Thai prostitute, RATHER than a confident, sassy, well spoken, intelligent and feisty female who appears so different to the general flipflaps paraded across our screens.

Big Brother, you are dead to me.

Ambassadors of Beauty are we.

2006-07-25T23:28:00.000+09:30

So here we all are, as the final five of Miss Universe glide across our beloved television screen. We've been dazzled by these Ambassadors of Beauty for the past two hours.

The tension is palpable. You can practically hear the ribs poking through their dresses.

But like all reality teeve final twos, the real winner came second.

Miss Japan - We salute you and your impressive samurai sword. We know you're an innocent victim of a staged archaic ritual engineered by a man who seems unable to view the natural disaster that is his hair.

You're better than this. Take your multi lingual self and go and work for the UN. We'll download pictures of you at the round table and never forget to kiss you goodnight.

In other news, living in The Dollhouse is shaping up to be a real treat! Karenski's been getting a little tetchy lately because she's the only one posting on the blog. I've tried explaining to her that my hectic schedule of late night teeve and daytime sleeping leaves little time for blogging but she will not be appeased. Except when I cook for her. Then she is like maleable putty in my hands...

On the subject of cooking, we feasted tonight in a grand celebration of homely love. This of course came after feasting LAST NIGHT in a similar grand celebration of homely love. Tonight, Karen and Helen concocted *two*separate curries while Adam and I battled it out for the honourable title of Grandmaster of Chocolate Puddings. Things almost got ugly when we tried to claim the same long baking dish, but I willingly gave it up. That's just the beacon of peace and love that I am I guess.

Despite my most fervent desires, I'm not sure if I'll be able to institute a daily blogging policy. This is because tomorrow I not only have to wake up well before 1pm, I'm also booked in for a heavy night of car crash television. Unfortunately, Honey We're Killing The Kids won't be on due to the 'surprise' Big Why Bother* eviction but there's still Channel Nine's New York: Life of Grime and Shock Docs expose on midgets. So, something to look forward to then.

Can I just say as well that the finale of The O.C was completely ghey? Marissa Cooper dies in the arms of Ryan Atwood to the strains of a crappy cover of Cohen's beautiful ballad 'Hallelujah'. At least now we won't have to endure all that rubbish about the many 'clues' in the final three episodes. Even if it was a murder mystery, hello? The tinterweb is, like, my second brain and I could just consult that to find out. Which I did. So sucked in breathy Channel Ten voice over wench - you ain't jivin' ME.

* Because it's blatantly obvious that the retarded 12 year old voters will elect Jamie to be the new king of Mediocriville.

2006-07-24T18:19:00.000+09:30

In my newfound existence of post-thesis bliss, once devoid of the permanent feelings of denial and guilt, I’ve rediscovered my old personality as it was before. Funny how I imagined life would be an endless stream of joy and contentment, but in fact I’m mostly grumpy and easily irritated by the smallest things. According to two quite amazing friends of mine, Ann and Rebeccasexual, this just means I ‘feel the complexity of life’. Hmmm… I’m not convinced I can claim depth from surliness but I appreciate their efforts.

Infact, drinking bloody marys at La Boheme with these two incredible women has seen me through this week. Bless them because they have no inhibitions whatsoever. Together we threw caution to the refined crowd, were morphed into loud, crass, drunken singing ladies and transported ourselves back to our outer suburbs roots. I fucking LOVE youse guys. Don’t ever go posh on me.

lollerskates!!11!!!!1! And cooking matters

2006-07-18T21:08:00.000+09:30

Karen, Audrey and Helen rollerdisco in Adam's recently converted bedroom

My god, Audrey is an amazing cook. She has been stuffing us with delicious meal after delicious meal.

There was the extraordinary lasagne, the couscous with roast veges, and last night, the gnocchi that she actually made from scratch. I mean, people do that?? I don't even BUY gnocchi from the shop cause it strays too far from my very ordinary culinary world of 2 minute noodle stir fries.

In the face of my expresssed bewilderment that she is a) happy to cook for us without the expectation of return, and b) a truly skilled hand in the kitchen, she always replies with a coy, "but I so luurve to cook for people, Karen".

I'm not convinced there isn't an ulterior motive lurking behind her spatula and susie homemaker smile... what it could be I have no idea of. Frankly, I don't really care. I will do whatever she wants while these meals keep coming.

Sooo, there really was no point to this post other than boasting on Audrey's behalf. I figure adorning her with public accolades will prevent me from ever having to embarass myself by returning the cooking favour. Has it worked Auds??

ps. You can have some of my goon whenever you want too.

Karen said lobotomise 'Coopes'!

2006-07-11T19:29:00.000+09:30

Will they just get on with it and kill off Marisa Cooper already?? I'm so sick of the ads, every day with the countdown to her inevitable death that we all know about anyway. Between that and the dullsville Big Brother, channel 10 is slowly becoming dead to me.

So what has been going on around here? Things have actually been happening even though we are so quiet on the blogging front. Helen and I have been doing TV marathons that are unprecedented even for this house. Adam is taking a temporary hiatus and we've converted his room into a rollerdisco. And new housemate Audrey has been cooking us delicious lasagne and dazzling us with her signed Neighbours fan cards.

If you're wondering at all why we have such a high turnover of housemates, and why Sesame and I are the only 'originals' left, it's because Sesame's actually a REAL bitch to live with. Nothing at all to do with me.

In other news, I have some new 80s dance partners. Dancing to Echo Beach with Sarah, Tim, Simon and the lovely Bel was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday night and just what I needed to celebrate the end of my thesis. Although, I'm a little taken aback by this mental condition that develops whenever I get near alcohol, friends and itunes. All I can do and all I can think of is 80s tracks. It inevitably leads to a riot of crap dancing with a few core people, while everyone else looks on in utter bewilderment. I'm now willing to concede I have a problem, only I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it? Is this a habit I will ever be able to break? I literally don't understand what else people could possibly want to dance to?

Karen Said I Could!

2006-06-18T12:04:00.000+09:30

Post that is. I think I left my wit behind in Adelaide, as the funniest thing I have done in Sydney was drop a piece of popcorn in a ladies hair at the Sydney Film Festival. But who needs laughter when you have LOVE and POWER GRAIN. I think I'll reformat this entry in to a list.

MARLAINA'S LIST OF THINGS SHE IS SORRY SHE LEFT BEHIND OR THREW OUT:

1. My Target slippers with the blue bobbles
2. My heater (now lady Karenski's heater)
3. Hair straightening serum.
4. My black and white negative of some old man's penis that I found in a bag of old photographic paper SEb gave me (possibly grandfather?)
5. All my writing and resumes I thought I had tranferred to disk before deleting from my computer....
6. Sesame how I miss you, I even had a dream about an orange cat that I found in the forest and now I see it was actually you, manifsting yourself as an almost pokemon like cat in my dreams, damn I want that orange dream cat so bad!1!!
7. Shoe polish (have i spelt either of those words right??)
8. a sense of belonging...
9. A TV friendly household...
10. a TV
11. Karen's push up bra, cos lets face it, the girl don't need it!

feel free to delete me now. My fingers are almost gangrenous anyway and they have yet to invent really good voice recognition software and besides I have my OWN blog now, called marlaandmikessuperiorlovenest.blogspot.com some and follow in my sydney adventures as I navigate redfern junkies and big brother contestants, and see our daily musings on the state of Sydneys rail network and all those blessful souls who inhabit the trains, their mournful stares, their noble brows pressed against the grafitti scoured "windows" ahhh yes... my love nest is a 1000 tonne orbital motorway spanning the bredth of TIME.

I am Sydney

2006-06-12T14:40:00.000+09:30

Belle and Sebastian graced the stage of The Barton on Friday night much to my glee. I am, after all, quite the fan and to see them for the fifth time in my own home town with loads of friends in the audience was wicked!
We were front and centre, about 5 metres from the stage in the lovely zone where there was plenty of room to move and no bastard tall people in front. I was wearing my favourite B&S stalker t-shirt which has a picture which makes one boob look orange, the other blue.

It was about 3/4 of the way through the concert when it happened. Stewart (the lead singer) in his lilting Scottish accent asked some guys in the front row whether they were brothers because they were wearing matching b & S t-shirts. Where did they get their shirts from?

And then he said 'And what about you madam, where did you get your shirt from?'. I looked to my right, I looked to my left and in front of me it was as if the waters were parting as my friends turned to me for the answer. Stewart... Stewart of Belle and Sebastian goodness, Stewart, was talking to me. Hels! My time to be fabulous (and potentially be invited into the band as a result) had arrived and in that moment, as the crowd turned their attention on me, Hels, I felt a strange sense of calm.

I answered Stewart, Stewart of Belle and Sebastian goodness, I answered 'Sydney... and I have another one from Glasgow!' It may appear to some that I was a bit keen, but I did not provide dates nor did I mention another shirt I bought in London which isn't my favourite for reasons x, y and z. Theory of Relativity is most pertinent here.

In the reverberation of desperate coolness I felt the golden light of the room's attention slip away from me. and it was all over. Stewart, of belle and sebastian goodness, replied something about sydney not going so well blah blah blah but there was nothing that said 'Helen will you be my mistress', nor 'Helen you must henceforth join the band'.
But I like to think that in the moments just before he sleeps he will remember, I am Sydney.

very very serious happenings

2006-06-07T18:36:00.000+09:30

Well the lack of hilarity (and even contact) from our blog is shameful. But, it seems that our absence has the fans on the edge of their seats about it. I regularly have screaming fans on the doorstep demanding that we update ...treat em mean, keep em keen.
Everyone in our house is being very serious at the moment, serious about study, thesis, practicum or moving house! boo, we lose Marla in 'under a hand of fingers' days to that ravishing sydney-siding boy and new adventures abound. I will miss the hair flattening hat, and of course the fab woman of said hat.
There was a party a couple of weeks ago and it was fun, complete with party pies and sausage rolls, wigs, fake nails which didn't stick, bejewelled g-strings (my apologies), cheezy dancing and reported sightings of alleged music nazis. Good times. Anyone want to reminisce? Please begin your witty comments with 'Remember that time...'

10 simple rules for dating my underage sharehouse

2006-05-11T21:46:00.000+09:30

1. Say no to blow
2. conversley say no to glow
3. don't fuck with the Avon glasses, not that Karen means it, really, she doesn't even really care that much, really, she was just more offended that no-one felt they could tell her...
4. don't forget thy key
5. if thoust writes handy hints on thine tupperwear, expect them to be ignored. then lost.
6. do unto cats as you would have them do it unto you
7. sex is better than seven
8. no cultural raincoat, monkeys with hats are our friends
9. home and away is purile crap you brainless toad, why you no 7.30 report??? why??? sheep, baaaa baaaa BAAAAAA
10. redirected mail is way uncool, return to sender motherfuckers.
11. the fish is the measure of our housleylove, if the fish is flushed, we all must to be flushed, metaphorically in our own effluent.

10 easy ways in which to inflict revenge.

2006-05-07T10:29:00.000+09:30

The following is a 'how to' guide of how one can effectively utilise a Revenge Room in your very own home(aka the evil of Big Brother).
Disclaimer: We at the dollhouse are very happy and loved up, and all rooms are well utilised so by no means is this an indication of anything to come, fear not dolls.

1) Exchange all decent cds for the likes of Human Nature, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Bryan Adams.

2) Remove all fresh coffee and replace with International Roast.

3) Ask Big Brother to cut off power at crucial times, eg. 5.52pm just as Deal or No Deal is getting down to business.

4) Housemates must choose between boxes 1, 2 or 3. Saturday night drinks will occur at...
Box 1 - New York Bar and Grill at Westfield Marion, after receiving a Studio 2000 makeover.
Box 2 - The Village Tavern at Golden Grove, dressed courtesy of Roger David or Rockmans.
Box 3 - The Exeter, Rundle St, in housemates own attire.

5) Recruit all white fluffy dogs in the neighbourhood called 'Boyfriend' and 'Mitzi' and place outside bedroom windows.

6) Compulsary viewing of Today Tonight throughout one working week. Housemates must include within conversation the next day a sentence beginning with 'Last night on Today Tonight I saw...' If this is not achieved with a straight face housemates will receive a Strike.

7) The only source of nourishment will be available at Unley Road Cafe Primo, where food, service and aftermath will bring tears to the eyes.

8) When Marla leaves the house, the intruder will be a choice between Kane or Chad Cornes.

9) All trace of furniture will be removed and housemates must refurnish within 24hours with choices from Cane Corner only.

10) The house will henceforth be renamed 'The Cat in the Canehouse'.

Further suggestions are invited...

dream is ending

2006-05-04T16:55:00.000+09:30

the the dollhouse becoming a mere memory, a hazing fading dream of fairer times?

I do know I am leaving soon, but its a bit like the neverending story in that, people stop believing, and our world falls apart.

2006-04-22T17:55:00.000+09:30

An accidental visit to a homeopathic vet has made me feel, like, all peace-like mangs.

Yeh

I realised after 5 minutes the gaping wound in my head wasn’t the source of my pain. It was my lack of zen-like concern for the wellbeing of my fellow creatures. Nice.

The prices weren’t so barter and trade though. $90 for homeopathic antibiotics and a 20 minute talk about my ‘personality’ strikes me as more L. Ron Hubbard than Dalia Lama, if you catch my drift.

But this kat’s wounds are healing. Both inside and out.

Be cool.
Peace. Out.

2006-04-20T21:19:00.000+09:30

I am so sick. Can you spontaneously combust from blowing your nose too much?

Where are my housies? Why aren't they here making me honey&lemon tea?

*whimper*

Dog Whisperer

2006-04-05T21:13:00.000+09:30

There is no point being funny here. In all seriousness, Karen and Mikey G rescued a local dog from impending smushing via a horn-blowing road-train. The dog was locked in the front verandah area, and Karen seemed so frail, so apologetic for her "random act of kindness"...

WHAT??? we exclaimed, (we as in Adam and I) a DOG??? a REAL LIVE DOG??? we brought her in to the hallway, we needed to call someone, find out what to do.

Adam assured us that the dog, in the hands of local government administrative cut-backs, would be executed withing 24 hours of impounding if the dog was not claimed.

Karen called the RSPCA.... Dog with registration, crossing local main road, happy and friendly, what to do??? Call the council they advised, 4 minutes to 1800 Unley council dog catching freecall service was closed. we made it. All numbers were read out. Mobile number was given, could the dog, now known as GYPSY be reunited with her careless and horrid family???

YES, after rummaging in my crotch, jumping on Karen and going skitz on the floor, gyspy was collected by an apologetic "daughter" of the owner, Gypsy, a kelpie blue heeler cross, was dragged from the gate by her collar, owner in shame...

we miss you already Gypsy. You are welcome anytime. Karen won't cry again we promise, and Adam won't threaten to store you "for the winter" in our already overcrowded freezer...

2006-03-25T14:31:00.000+10:30

Last weekend there were tears on the dancefloor in the spiegeltent as fringe goers farewelled adelaide at its best. booooo!!! Goodbye Bathboy, see you in my dreams...
This weekend, there are tears (and vomit) on the streets as V8 goers are freaky bogans on the streets of adelaide. ewwwww!!! how quickly the mighty fall.

But how stoked am I that last night there were wolfwhistles abound being directed toward my friend and I throughout our David Attenborough (sp?) style field trip in the east end. Our search was for fine examples of a Sir James (Sir James Boags) and there were aplenty. Main indicators were the big 'back stage pass' necklaces worn in combination with the aforementioned wolfwhistles at my... BIKE! girls, go and get yourself a crappy orange bike from hard rubbish and you too will have the best pickup assistant for confused revheads ever. My bike even got felt up (in the behind bag rack area)! Who says there are no men in adelaide?

This week we welcome Adam to the dollhouse and he is fitting in a treat. We are also missing marla who has gone for a wee jaunt over to Sydney. yippee.

goodbye my lovers, goodbye my friends

2006-03-21T13:16:00.000+10:30

It must be the lack of bad english language pop music at the moment which provokes me to (mis)quote James Blunt in this, my final ever Dollhouse post.

I am now moved out of the Dollhouse, so moved out that I've gone all the way to China to deal with my grief at no longer being a part of such a serene and beautiful household. Hopefully now I've broken the curse of departures from the front right bedroom (briefly home to Lucy and Potato) and the house will stay settled with Adam playing the part of Ken to Barbie (Karen) and the Rockers (Marla as Dana and Hels as DeeDee).

Adam once stayed in the living room of a pre-Dollhouse residence of mine so already I know that he'll fit in. He and his laptop will sit comfortably alongside Karen while she watches Antiques Roadshow of an afternoon (procrastinates) and his knowledge of the wine industry can only reinforce the Dolls' commitment to goon from around the corner.

The patterns of the house will shift around, but most things will stay the same.

Sesame will jump up onto the kitchen bench and randomly strike out at people. Helen will retreat to the backyard for a breath of "fresh air" before bed and Marla will do the walking into the living room looking sleepy awake thing that she does so well. Karen will get her thesis finished, but she will also dream of winning Deal or No Deal and retiring on the prize money.

Eventually, I'll live in other households, but I doubt that any will be as lovely as The Dollhouse.

As the Chinese say, "Xie xie".

[I will however be writing and putting up photos from around the world at www.battlecat.net]

2006-03-20T20:33:00.000+10:30

Karen played a horrible trick on me today. I was being all crazy on the couch again and she emerged into my sightline (that is between me and the TV) urging me to sit in this little love nest she was preparing on the rug. It kept changing configurations as she added and subtracted cushions of all sizes, smiling, making pleasantries, generally being a bit of a freak, but what she didn't know was that I had noticed the one constant of the nest configuration being a blue cardigan of hers, draped "just so" beside a pillow, such a strange place for Karen to leave an article of clothing I thought, after squealing some more I decided to humour her and make my way to her little nest. She encouraged me to "flop right down on it" and so I did, missing, unfortunately, the G spot, that being a deftly placed "whoopee" cushion hidden by the sketchy cardigan. As soon as I missed sitting on it, I knew I had to give her some pleasure, so I "shifted" in my place and activated the funny. Karen almost wet her pants, the anticipation on her crazy face, her glasses all askew, Helen doing a good "what the fuck face" as I rolled around on the floor squawking.

Evidently the cushion was a present from her man friend "special friend" Mikey G, the whoopee cushion says "poo" on it (funny that) which is the smoochy dual moniker of the happy couple. So it was revolting and romantic both in context. And if you want to join in the fun when you come over, we are more than happy to blow the sucker up.

How NOT to pick-up

2006-03-20T18:09:00.000+10:30

Bold and the Beautiful provides us with the strangest pick-up line EVER.

That sleazy guy that's always cracking onto Ridge's woman, Taylor with the tyres injected into her lips, said this to her before he departed for the Toys for Toddlers charity drive:

"You better watch out Taylor, because if I could, I'd be all over you like name-tags on a schizophrenic"

oh. my. god.

If you can top that, please, be my guest.

Report from the trenches

2006-03-19T11:54:00.000+10:30

War wounds:

-a bloody scab on my left ear

-bruising and scratching on left side of my body

-a cut above my right eye. Intermittent weeping from eyeball

-slight blow to my pride

Yay! Helen breaks her blogging hymen!! But will she get her very own Keeper?

2006-03-15T09:18:00.000+10:30

House inspection today... which means a 21 year old real estate agent in the making gets to nose around our house for five minutes and then tell me off for not weeding between the pavers. It's a humiliating ritual that I'd rather not endure.

Which is why Helen's doing it today! Fanta!!

Hopefully one good thing that will come out of today's inspection is they may actually start to fix Marla's imploding ceiling. call me crazy, but I find falling ceilings somewhat worrysome...

crazy banshee nowhere to be seen

2006-03-14T11:07:00.000+10:30

So i'm a blogging virgin. It is an exciting day today (I'm popping the cherry so to speak) and I accept with some trepidation my housemates' kind invitation onto the house blog. I am, afterall, a doll. so, hello!
It has been fun times in the last couple of months since I've moved into the Dollhouse. Unfortunately, our dear lady Pippa is now only fleeting with her company in the house as she displays surpreme organisational skills in preparing for her overseas trip and simultaneously packing up her room etc. I'm so impressed (but a little disappointed too) that I haven't even sniffed a crazy banshee tantrum like I have been known to perform in times of change. I remember an incident where my friend took me bra shopping a couple of days before I went OS and there were tears in the change rooms of Myer Marion. Nasty business. 'Last minute' is my motto in life. Pippa's travelling experience will surely be Phanta though with marino wool Icebreaker goodness. hmmm hmmm. We wish her all goodness.
I love Marla's new bike and Karen's computer. Am I a little too materialistic? Perhaps... but I also love the people holding the possessions.

Jake steps up to the plate

2006-03-06T10:25:00.000+10:30

With no one correctly answering Friday's Quiz Spectacular, Jake Gyllenhaal puts aside his oscar committments and steps in to administer much needed foot rub to birthday girl Marla.

'This is an opportunity beyond my wildest dreams. I'm proud to help out the girls of the dollhouse on this very special occasion.'

Jake admitted this is no small task and he's given much consideration to his method for administration of the rub:

'I've read a few 'How to' books but they weren't helping me find the right frame of mind for this quite new experience. They were too precise. I thought to myself, 'where's the heart?' I'm just going to go in there with a clear mind and use whatever interplay that emerges between footrubber and footrubbee as guidance for my role.

'It's exciting. I can't say how it'll go but I feel a real anticipation about the whole thing'.

Happy birthday Marlaina!!

It's a Friday Quiz Spectacular!!

2006-03-03T12:21:00.000+10:30

Today's Question:

Which member of the dollhouse had this incriminating confession about her housemates that she wrote in an email unwittingly published in a local zine?

" All the day my housemates ask if I am alright, and I am, I just don't say as much anymore, but I tell them I am fine just tired but they always ask again in the same day and I get tired of them asking which makes me super tired so I go back to my room.

I wish I had a dog sometimes or lived back in the country. "

Pfft. Life's just so hard when people care about you isn't it?

If you're the First Person to Guess Right your prize is you can administer the foot rub that will be required for me to make up with this person after she reads this post...

the luckiest girl in the dollhouse

2006-02-22T11:19:00.000+10:30

For those of you wondering which member of The Dollhouse to be jealous of this week, look no further than this article:

A Splash of Sex in our City

It outlines the huge profit that Karenski made by selling her dress on Ebay. And featured in the article is a photograph of the lovely Karah, "North Adelaide fashionista" and proprietor of Bowerbird Empire who went to the trouble of listing the dress twice.

It's not just Karenski who's going "Totally Fanta! $700 profit!", but the rest of us dolls are looking forward to having goon bought for us from the bottle shop around the corner.

A Valentines message from The Dollhouse

2006-02-14T21:31:00.000+10:30

Darling dears, don't be shitty,
We've been away from computer city.
Things that happened while we were away,
Karen put a dress up on Ebay!

Sesame went and climbed a tree,
He may have been high enough to spy the sea!
Helen had dreams of mashed potato,
She'd been reading the works of that old guy Plato.

Marlaina went and took some pictures,
You can see them at Fringe there'll be goths dressed as witches.
Pippa's been taking old pensioners money,
she gets paid by a charity - don't laugh! It isn't funny.

We've got a garage sale coming up on Saturday -
Come give us money - take cool stuff away.
Happy Valentine's day! It is true,
The girls of The Dollhouse do love you.

Dollhouse Yard Sale

2006-02-13T08:04:00.000+10:30

sesame and karen in the shade

2006-02-11T18:43:00.000+10:30

sesame and karen in the shade
Originally uploaded by pipstar_battlecat.

2006-02-05T17:54:00.000+10:30

cleaning out that pool was the most disguting thing ever. this is why i like going to other people's parties. its hanging out to dry now, and I am going to shiver in bed hoping I havn't caught ross river virus.

Pool invasion! (this one goes out to you Wiz)

2006-01-31T22:28:00.000+10:30

Our backyard has been taken over by a giant plastic pool that's leftover from Marla's most excellent invasion day party. I cleaned out the floating goon bags and 'the oracle' but it's still got about 10 cm of water in it that's stewing with remnants of sweat, booze and bbq fat.

In this pic that I stole from Wiz we see Dan at his most Aussie. Note the classic test cricket t-shirt... I think he's been brainwashed by his Boony doll because he brought VB to the party. Look closely at this pic and you may catch a glimpse of new housemate Helen. She's so cool we brought out a special chair so she could sit in the pool and not get her hair wet. actually, that's a complete lie but meh.

Helen's interests include the Antique Roadshow, Neighbours and Spooks. We love her.

ps. She doesn't like the Deal but she just doesn't understand it yet.

pps. what is up with Larry Em on the Wheel of Fortune? Is that a demotion in the world of game show hosting or what? I feel sad for him.

2006-01-22T10:50:00.000+10:30

The dollhouse is in transition. We are contemplating our goodbyes and welcoming new arrivals.

"Disconnecting from change does not recapture the past. It loses the future."
— Kathleen Norris

We are all feeling a sense of loss as Jess, our loveable rogue heads in to the partially-charted wilderness of Central London, following her heart and dreams, challenging herself to create a more enriched life.

"Change your opinions,
keep to your principles;
change your leaves,
keep intact your roots."
— Victor Hugo

However we then herald in a new day, a new housemate, Helen of the Loud Father and wonder if she can fill the void of Jess On The Couch. We all know its wrong to judge Helen against Jess, our own selfish needs and wants already clouding Helens track to house visibility, but we know what we have to do, and its that focus that will help us through the storm.

"How much time, creative energy, and emotion do we expend resisting change because we assume growth must always be painful? Much personal growth is uncomfortable, but it's worse to thwart the ascent of your authenticity."
— Sarah Ban Breathnach

So it is with noble spirit and personal awareness that we must face this change, and I for one am no longer afraid that change will expose me, confuse me and leave me by the wayside, NAY I can see how the change in our house "map" will enable us to grow, like Karen's potted tree, suffering in the heat, with weak soil and over water and scorched from the sun of CHANGE, we will anxiously await the re-potting of our house, and thrive once more.

"[People in my church community] sat down and showed me, 'This is why you sing about what you sing about. It's not about your money; it's not about your car—it's about your heart. It's about your character.' Then I started seeing myself the way that God saw me."
— Gospel music singer Kirk Franklin on overcoming his addiction to pornography

*quotes from oprah.com*

Best show ever!!!

2006-01-10T17:36:00.000+10:30

I'm completely addicted to Deal or No Deal. What can I say? Every hour of everyday is a countdown to the podium of gold cases. How many bottles of BWS cleanskin have I downed during how many wasted hours of watching The Deal? And what of the online versions of the game I discovered last week? Ugh!

Andrew O'Keefe isn't exactly 'hot' in my books, but he sure is one cool daddy-o. Here he is celebrating my imaginary win on THE DEAL!!! ! !

2006-01-02T00:50:00.000+10:30

Well the Dollhouse NYE cocktail party extraveganza was just that... an extravaganza, of party and cocktails. If you weren't there you just didn't exist. Much props to those who attended, esp after seeing the "inviting" cocktail pictures attached to Karen's email... a Murky Atlantic was it called? Would it be better than my Pile up on the I75??

Some highlights:

**** **** having to be wiped down after he walked to our party from another less cool party.

**** secreting my KLF record outside behind the air conditioning unit... for safe keeping??

**** singing "your song" on the Kreoke Machine

someone calling our cubby the "make-out" room even though no making out was done there, but many drinks were spilled though (how did the cubby stay up you ask?? PHYSICS!)#

**** breaking a PLASTIC glass

**** asking if there were "any black people" present at the party before singing "ebony and ivory" on the Kareoke machine

Someone thinking Sesame was dead on the lawn.

**** bear hugging me until I almost died.

the muddleing stick that resembled and felt like a really hard large penis.

callipos....

having to mop masticated cocktail cherries out of the floor the next day.

oh and my hangover.
and everyone elses.....

but yeah, Karen, thanks so much for the great night, and the thank you chocolate too, it was super...

BEST PARTY EVER!!

p.s. if you felt you were sexually compramised by Karen that night she apologises, and if you were wondering where your drinks kept disappearing too, Karen apologises for that too. She was stealing the alcohol and pouring it in to an empty coke bottle to take to a raver party in the city.

# incidently if you know of any making out done in the cubby i would really like to know about it, esp if tongues were involved. you can post an anon. comment.

Merry Xmas from The Dollhouse

2005-12-25T11:16:00.000+10:30

good morning music lovers!

2005-12-19T11:43:00.000+10:30

well well well... it's been too long darlings... too long.

in the preceeding months, i've been so busy, darlings.. so very busy. we came second at the best quiz night ever, thanks entirely to simon (who i have an unfortunate recollection of calling stephen in the latter parts of the evening.... sorry mate!)who saved our arse (arses? our collective arse) on numerous occassions. i'd like to put my hand up as the person who thought the entrance gate to the botanical gardens was dedicated to all those brave, brave horses who died in the charge of the light brigade in World War One... yes yes.. i know.

secondly, i finished uni although i am unable to may any firm statements as to how i went as i haven't yet paid my fees (NOTE: i am an ardent supporter of CSU, and opposed to VSU.. i'm also really really poor) so let's just say that i'm a latent genius and leave it at that, shall we.

and my contribution to the lefty cred of our blog this week comes curtesy of mr fuck stick himself:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow." - George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - George W. Bush

and my personal favourite (don't you just feel for those poor, frustrated doctors??):

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

until next time darlings... until next time.....

Karenski

2005-12-15T14:51:00.000+10:30

It was indeed Karen's birthday. And I know she had a great time with a "really really good bottle of red, fuck I can't stop thinking about that red" because when she got home she was all chirpy and actually gave me a hug after I gave her her present.

Tonight is our quiz night, I have already got a fair idea of a table that might win, but they have too many people on it?? what should we do? Disqualify? re-arrange.

this will be discussed,

also there are a fuckload of carrot sticks in our fridge yay!

I took the afternoon off "sick" from work, no really, my leg is failing to heal after its run in with a four-wheeled transport device and I fear its going septic. Not like the toiley, more like Bubonic Plague.

good afternoon!

sesame and his beauty obsession

2005-12-01T22:38:00.000+10:30

Sesame, like all cats, is not above grooming himself incessantly. And this evening he took his beauty regime one step too far, requiring human intervention.

I was in the bathroom applying hair removal cream to my legs (which I might add, aren't particularly hairy - but anyway) and Sesame chose to sit outside the door meowling for attention. Eventually I gave in and let him come into the room - not even considering that he'd immediately come to wrap his body around my legs.

Which would have been ok, except that meant he had depilatory cream spread across his stomach. I ended up chasing him across the bathroom with a damp facewasher so I could clean the cream off. But not before considering the very pressing question:

What would Sesame look like with no hair?

badges....

2005-11-26T17:43:00.000+10:30

BADGES!!

Quiz

2005-11-26T17:34:00.000+10:30

QUIZ!

Dear Adelaidians!!!

- We are proud to announce the inaugural Quiz Adelaide Think Tank (QATT) Quiz Night! QATT quizzes have a pop culture and local knowledge focus so get busy with your old Keith Martin Almanacs & your old Video Hits tapes! TV, Film, Music, Adelaide culture, its all here, and we want you to be too!

- So! Get ready to dust of your thinking caps as the quiz is to be held on December 15th from 7pm until 10-pm at the Irish Australian Hall on Carrington St in the City. There will be snacks provided for each table, and drinks can be bought on the night! The cost for the night inc. snacks is only $12pp a bargain (pay on the night), with all proceeds going to charity!

- To book please reply to quizadelaide@gmail.com with the number of people you will be having on your table (6-8 people please), please also provide us with contact details so we can confirm your booking! (You can also book via phone if required, Becci 0411 178 144 and Marla 8274 9529 (work hours))

Places are limited, so book early to avoid disappointment.

There are great prizes to be won as well as a raffle and bonus rounds! We look forward to seeing you there!

The Irish Australian Hall is at 11-15 Carrington St in the city

We're proud to announce the charity we're supporting for our first quiz night is The Gully, a community centre for people living with mental health issues in the North Eastern metropolitan area. The Gully provides group programs that include personal development, mental health education, work training skills, fitness and recreation. It is open for people with mental illness who are interested in developing their skills, learning more about mental illness and building supportive friendships. The Gully is part of the Central Northern Adelaide Health Services, Northern Mental Health Division. Funds raised by QATT will go towards the development of a library of books and educational films for members who'd like to learn more about mental illness.

The people's poet coming to Adelaide this week!

2005-11-14T15:50:00.000+10:30

Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense, arriving in Adelaide in a matter of days, gives us 'The Unknown':

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing

It is a complex poem indeed. At the end of this interview Don deconstructs his literary treat. Derrida has never been so proud.

Read more of his beguiling rhymes care of Slate.

my disco does not need me.

2005-11-06T19:11:00.000+10:30

well, bloody lovely time every one had this weekend wasn't it? all beachy keen sweetness and light by the looks of things...

thought i'd fill you in on what i got up to.. this morning i hauled my arse out of bed at some un-godly hour to go to work where i promptly dropped a pile of chairs on my toe (it is now purple), got squirted in the eye with quite-possibly reguritated scrambled eggs, slipped on the just-mopped floor and almost did the splits, for fuck's sake! and just right then, not 3 minutes ago i spilt coffee all over my newly edited and printed assignment.

so...to summarise: purple toe, sore split-muscles, no coffee and no fucking assignment.

woo-bloody buggery bollocks-hoo.

the perfect weekend?

2005-11-06T12:41:00.000+10:30

The beach was lovely, but the water was a little murky, due to the rain we think. I saw "Wolf Creek" it disturbed me. We are going to a bakery in St Peters now, pie shop, and on Friday I went to the supermild with Jess and Mel and that was also good. Its been a perfect weekend, I even got a little tan, and my hair done.. and tonight I am going to see a movie "Rize" by David LaChappelle who is amazing. squee!

Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, And shootin' some B-ball outside of the school

2005-11-05T12:24:00.000+10:30

Such a lovely day, a trip to the beach is almost inevitable, I am so excited, it is what I have been waiting all winter for. And after my delivery of sand gets here tomorrow and I install my inflatable water paradise, it'll be a beach at the dollhouse, with records, cool drinks and bikini whales for all!

To Mikey G with L.O.V.E

2005-11-01T21:27:00.000+10:30

http://www.anyvitamins.com/vitamin-k-info.htm

http://lpi.oregonstate.edu/infocenter/vitamins/vitaminK/

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002407.htm

boo-yah feel the love.

And Marla!

2005-10-31T20:56:00.000+10:30

Dolls : The Reality

2005-10-31T01:54:00.000+10:30

Karenski and Sesame

Global PipStar

Barossa relax Jess

(marla is in bed crying)

our men are super dreamy too

2005-10-31T00:02:00.000+10:30

'Why hello, Mr Gratton. Chekov? i'd love to! let me just get my coat."

Mr Dan "Goddam i'm a super hot snowboard DUDE" Murphy

we're so dreamy!

2005-10-30T22:44:00.000+10:30

"marlaina dollski"

"pipstar dollski"

"karenski dollski"

"jessie dollski"

college for the actualisation of human potential

2005-10-27T20:04:00.000+09:30

i passed this college on the way home from uni today... i've never walked that route before, and thus, had absolutely no idea that there was such a seat of knowledge.

good things happened to me today:

1. i bought a ticket from adelaide to london return for.....wait for it......$1335. bugger me! and the taxes are only $500 so in the end it's cost me less than an ordinary ticket without tax!

2. this means that i'm leaving the country on the 27th of january

3. This means that i'll be in paris for my birthday

4. i'm the happiest person in parkside right now :)

oh, and:

5. my cousin's back in adelaide for the week so i'm heading up to the barossa on monday for many more good (bad) times....

which means that now i have to go and write my essay....

the Committee for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination is an ineffective way of ensuring state compliance with the relevant UN Treaties. Discuss.

Mr Picasso Head

2005-10-22T20:06:00.000+09:30

I just created this. i am stunned with my creativity.

Rhapsody in blue (with hair) 2005

You can make yours here: http://www.mrpicassohead.com

& then post them here.

If u want to know how I made it an image, I had to take a screen capture etc.

ding ding

2005-10-19T16:34:00.000+09:30

potato is always hungy. Just ask her!

and pretty maids all in a row

2005-10-16T22:52:00.000+09:30

Not only did I get a letter back from the actor who played Marty McFly for my birthday, but I also got some gardening gear from my dreamy beau Dan.

Today, after struggling in the baking sun whilst I pulled weeds from the garden I started to plant zucchini, tomato and herb seedlings and sowed mint and oregano seeds... Only then after the difficult, back breaking work had finished did Karen and Marlaina leave the safety of the house.

Marlaina laid down a towel on the overgrown lawn and wrote letters. And Karen admitted that she'd never grown seeds before, she'd only had "big plants". So I helped her to plant some chilli and nastursium seeds. Soon I believe that Karenski will be in awe of the wonders of creation and will worship at the feet of Mother Nature.

You may ask where the true stars of The Dollhouse were during this time of garden fun. Jess was bringing joy to the hearts of caffeine addicts and Sesame was shaking with a horrible fever brought on by a thorn in one of his paws.

Never fear, we will provide further updates as to the state of Sesame's health.

Kids, we're gonna have to eat this cake by ourselves. Your Uncle Joey didn't make parole again

2005-10-08T08:38:00.000+09:30

Happy Birthday Pippa!!

What a great day yesterday! Not only was Back to the Future on TV, but Michael J. Fox finally answered Pippa's fan mail! And just in time for her birthday!! What a treat!

Dear Pippa
Thanks so much for your warm greetings. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Here are my answers to your most thoughtful questions:

1) I find that the best fertilizer for purple potted peas is used tea leaves. Obviously I don't make my own tea anymore (gets a bit messy, you see) but once I've sucked it up through a straw my faithful man servant throws the left over bits on the garden for me. I also find that playing a few tunes out the window helps their growth. Of course, my personal favourites are The Decemberists. They're just so....profound, you know?

2) Thanks so much for your efforts with the Family Ties revival campaign! Yes, I absolutely agree that we should have a reunion series. Infact, I've been talking lately with the old cast and Execs, trying to drum up support. Of course, young Andy can only be slightly involved as he's grown up with an unfortunate addiction to bowl cuts, but with a little fashion mullet rehab I'm sure he can come good for a few episodes. With your extra efforts in Adelaide I have renewed hope that Alex P, Malory, Jennifer, Andy, Skippy, Mum and Dad Keaton will once again be the family they were.

3) I heartily agree that emo is just a post-punk pseudo-goth rip off! I don't know what's happening with the kids these days Pippa. Their fashions and attitudes bewilder me. Give me stonewash on stonewash anyday!

4) Yes, I do enjoy reading Frankie magazine! I'm yet to make the letter pages but I read yours with relish and how delighted I was to then receive fan mail from you! What a small world we live in, hey?

I do hope this reaches you in time for your birthday Pipstar! All the best for your happy day. Be sure I'll be thinking of you and the Chester Carlton club!
Yours in the past, present and future,
Mikey J. Fox
xx

Sesame in da House

2005-10-06T20:40:00.000+09:30

My man making machine better hurry up and eventualise, it's getting hot in here...

the many moods of colonel mustard

2005-10-02T23:18:00.000+09:30

Erik sent us a rad postcard with a request for more pics of Ses.
They're all pre-dollhouse but they're the nicest ones I've got.

Cat-men

2005-09-30T08:07:00.000+09:30

While Jess just dreams of men, Marla dreams of making men. She loves to speculate on the mechanics of creating a super converter machine that will turn Sesame from a lush dreamcat to a Lush DreamMan...here she is working hard on the man-o-maker.

what results will her latest loopy scheme yield? One can only wonder...

Sesame

+ Man-O-Maker

= Dreamboat

Dreams Come True

2005-09-25T15:27:00.000+09:30

In reponse to Jess's previous post on "guess the bawawecra mystery sleep shag" I am going to place my bets on the happy couple being BA and Jess. I have chosen them to be played in the TV version of said sex romp by Richard Fidler and Jess of course will be payed by Melanie Lynskey:

With a guest appearance by Sesame the cat as "the modesty star", as played by Molly Ringwald:

*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~********************

oh ah just a little bit!

2005-09-25T10:24:00.000+09:30

the dollhouse in an uproar this morning. a state of shock...nothing has been done...dishes all over the floor... the sounds of wailing - an unhuman, gutteral sound of despair echo through the hall ways. so the race is on for the ten brownie points on offer:

which member of the dollhouse spent all last night having terrifyingly detailed dreams about having sex with which member of bawawecra???

a hint to help you on your way: it wasn't karen and it wasn't james (sorry, love)

he he he...

cause for concern

2005-09-22T10:58:00.000+09:30

I am really getting tired of being ignored by the other girls in the house. They come home, smelling of sweet scents of far away places, fresh with dew and with a sparkle in their eyes..... I run to greet them, and I am pushed roughly aside. Is this the life of the housewife I have heard so much about, am I the little woman to their gruff man?

I rush to my food bowl, wailing, to drown my sorrows in kibble, but alas I have already eaten my daily allowance, and the girls will not give me anymore. i have to wait for my owner to come home before I get doled out another measly portion of kibble... but it's never enough.

I feel ignored, I feel unappreciated, and, at times, I feel patronised by these ladies, always laughing at me, or, worse, calling me to their laps only to get up or shoo me off just when I am getting comfortable.

What is a cat to do? I cannot drown my sorrows in food, I haven't the energy nor drive to kill other neighbourhood cats, all the couches and chairs seem smaller and less comfortable than before, and my reflection, I can hardly face it, with my dull lifeless eyes and mangy coat, my sagging tummy and grey hairs (just a few)....

Is it time to end it all... with a little mother's helper?

my cat photo's smarter (read: sexier) than your cat photo

2005-09-20T22:05:00.000+09:30

"free menstrual cup, personally signed by burt reynolds?! sign me up, scotty!"

our cat is smarter than your cat

2005-09-20T21:23:00.000+09:30

Low self esteem

2005-09-20T16:58:00.000+09:30

It's really becoming evident that one of our housemates suffers from very low self-esteem and chooses to express her disappointment with herself by bagging out other members of the house. Even though she is a model, has a cute and friendly boyfriend, fabulous clothes and original artworks, it seems it just isn't enough... shall we serve thee our hearts on a plate for you to slather yourself in??? Must I remain chained to my bed with only ABC news radio to keep me company in order to satiate your judgemental whims??

I think it would be prudent at this point to point out that the members of the Dollhouse with the highest levels of tertiary education are in fact Karen and Myself (Masters and Honours respectively) and it is this supreme wisdom that allows us to enjoy say… Media Watch or Newshour With Jim Lehrer but then also allow ourselves time for the pap in life (which by the way is what 90% of life is made of) such as Newlyweds, or Survivor.

Can I also point out that it is true that Potato does sing an awful lot and it is annoying, but she is going to feed us $20 pork roast so methinks it wise to be "hush hush" on the pop-culture critic.

in which i remind you of my presence and my superiority

2005-09-19T21:46:00.000+09:30

TV viewing in this house is in a sorry state. The other day I wanted to watch the ABC news instead of Newlyweds, the television show chosen by Marlaina and Karen.

You see, unlike the others I wish to be a responsible, informed member of society who is aware of the incredibly depressing state of the world. So when Jess, the other socially responsible housemate* came home (wearing her Red Cross volunteer tshirt) the sneaky trash tv addicts changed the channel.

So we all ended up watching the remaining 20 minutes of pap in which Jessica Simpson and her husband (Nick or something - I chose to not remember) made each other horrid Valentines and debated how to spell the word wounded.

And now I've had to go hide in my freezing room so that I can watch the Mark Latham interview on Enough Rope while the other Dolls watch the Emmys. It's tough being this smart and interested in the world.

* I have to admit, Jess is way more socially responsible than I am, I ride a bike but I still own a car. Jess doesn't own a car (but then she can't actually drive). She also does that volunteering thing and is going to bring peace to this world by being some type of hotshot human rights lawyer. And she used to have dreadlocks.

But despite her commitment to the earth, she does break a number of basic human rights whenever she "sings" the only line she knows of the Kelly Clarkson single.

i've touched the rains down in afri- yeah! whatever!

2005-09-14T21:48:00.000+09:30

tonight three out of four dolls played trival pursuit. i warned them that when i play this game i get drunk and angry when i don't know the answer. i KNOW that amundsen was the first guy to the south pole. i KNOW that shit, man. somewhere along the line they decided that i sucked and had no right to start yelling at them. plus, i was totally smug when i knew the answer and they didn't. i think that kind of shit really pisses people off.

so, to cut a (very long and drunkenly self-indulgent story) story short, i think they now think i suck big time, and i need a new house. i've been entertaining the notion of a patron for quite a few weeks now. i'm sick as hell of being so poor that i can only afford one light bulb, so that every time i want to study, i have to move the freaking thing from my bed-side table to my desk. jeez, that kind of shit can really demoralize a girl, y;know.

so, wealthy benefactors:line yourselves up my friends. the party has started.

oh, and just to re-cap on a previous post of the pipstar, her friends may call her fashion hair, but my friends call me potato (see above), and boy, does it suit me down to the freakin' ground.

till next time, i remain yours....

Cats on the sauce

2005-09-12T12:51:00.000+09:30

It was back to the vet for another shot of progesterone on Saturday.

In my current state of bliss, this comic really speaks to me.

13 signs of the zodiac?

2005-09-09T13:34:00.000+09:30

Well, things in this house are all over the shop. Marla has actually been cleaning and then freaking out if we don't care. Pippa has been coming home at 7am every morning looking flushed and muttering about the promise of renewed love, blah blah blah. I think this must be why she hardly ever posts on this blog even though she's the one who started it (socks up Pip!) And Jess has been bathing her feet in my vomit.

I have had an excellent week of drunkiness which will now officially end in upright sobriety for at least the next 6 weeks while I write my bejeethis.

But first: a shocking development. After being warned by a fellow Sagitarrian that I might be reading the wrong horoscope, I've discovered that I'm not Sagi at all. I'm one of those rare and severly neglected signs of the Zodiac known as the 13th sign. Stubby, Bobby D: take heed - stop buying drinks for those beige "fire signs" and start campaigning acknowledgement for the very elite of the Zodiac, Ophiuchus, the Serpeant's Head.

i love bubbles

2005-09-09T08:59:00.000+09:30

the other night, when i was stressed and angry (my dad's lady friend called me fat. FAT?! fuck her. fuck her into a hole i say! but that's a different website altogether) maz brought me a....footspa. that's right ladies and gentlemen (you're not included in that stubby, ok?), she got down on bended knee with a lovely two-feet sized tub of warm water. i'm pretty sure she hadn't already pee'd in it, but i'm positive that there were flavour sprinkles, because this morning my hobbit feet are unusually soft and supple.

i was going to keep her kneeling there with a straw, blowing bubbles through it and make me squirm with enjoyment, but my dad already thinks i'm a dirty lesbian and the sight of The Martyr paying homage like that might have really flipped him out.

so hooray for warm flavoured water on my feet.

and, just a clarify, i have no idea what's going on with the dishwasher - i thought it was all clean, so i unloaded it, but then it actually wasn't, so i put everything back in there..... moi tres confuse-d.

meme MADNESS

2005-09-08T21:52:00.000+09:30

I love memes, more than I love my mother, which isn't much... HI MUM!! No really I love my mum she is great... ACTUALLY CRAZY!!!

well now ...

awkward
ointment
something something...

...ever get that annoying time when some jerk posts a possibly riviting image but their dumb bandwidth is eaten, or they are stupid jerks i.e. don't know HMTL for shit or like their server is down because of some flood or some shit, WELL I have the cure for you. Just post this hand-ee image and watch the LOL's* head your way.

*LOL's not vaild in some states

drunk as a newt?

2005-09-07T15:46:00.000+09:30

and the winner of "most drunk at our housemating party" goes to Fake Smile aka Karen who was so drunk she has wiped more than two hours of the nights procedings from her memory. Luckily i was there, reletively sober, to collect her humiliations and relate them to her the next day.... including dancing to Toto's Africa and abusing a guest because he tried to change the CD.... I think she also bailed my friend Becci up for a while, bitching and moaning about some crap, and what was with that outfit? at least all is well that ends well the next day in the tiolet!

We had a great turnout at our party, I even though Matt had graced us with his presence and went to greet him warmly when I realised it was just a rag tied around a verandah post.

cheers to:
interstate friends attending
people who were at funerals that day attending
people with glandular fever attending
Batdance
Mark Riccuto Mask
passion pop
pissing down the side of the house...????

jeers to:
someone drinking my gin
Jess not paying for her share of gin
not having enough gin to drink
gin on the floor and in my shoe
people hawking their craptastik wares at our house as if it were some second rate zine fair......
people talking about student politics???? At Flinders...????

p.s. just kidding, loves ya Karenski!!!!!!!
p.p.s just kidding, about most of it.
p.p.p.s or am I???

Little Bobby Derrida, remember this?

2005-09-07T13:27:00.000+09:30

Hey DJ play that song!

2005-08-30T23:04:00.000+09:30

I have been downloading music for our party all night, real quality stuff. I really think if I were on Idol I would sing "Toxic" by Britany Spears. I have it on good authority from a music making graduate friend of mine that the production on ms. Spears song is top notch. I think i would make a good Britany, I am perky, sweet and energetic. However I am not busty... but what if I were...?

wow my photoshop skills are woeful.

Word to the wise, Boob jobs are not covered by Medicare.

girls on film

2005-08-29T21:46:00.000+09:30

Marla (martyr), Karen (fake smile), Pippa (fashion hair), Jess (potato)

****
~~~~~~~~
****

"sit on my face, and tell me that you love me"

2005-08-29T09:11:00.000+09:30

yesterday morning i was awoken in the wee hours by the not-unpleasant sensation of fur restricting my air ways.

"who's fur?" i hear you asking..."have the dolls finally sucumbed to fashion hair's group sex day dream? did potato finally make it with that cute guy from uni? or does she just have an unfortunate facial hair problem?" actually, it was the original ginge minge: sesamina the trans-cat extraordinaire was asleep on my head. and boy, was it good.

it topped off a top weekend here in the dollhouse. on saturday the martyr and i walked into the markets and i ate a cubic metre of laksa for breakfast. i bumped into many people i knew at the markets and that made me feel popular and cool. two of those people were fake smile and her faithful side kick. then we went to the T-bar for a few coffees/water/scone with apricot jam and cream. hint: two of the cutest boys in adelaide work in that house o'tea, y'hear me?

then fashion hair and i some how ended up at the same bar to see the tres cool henry wagons get down and dirty with some of his faithful sidekicks and it was generally all very wonderful.

the sun was shining, the cherry blossoms were drifing around in the breeze, the laksa was hot and the times were cool.

bring on the summer, my friends...bring on the summer.

My friends call me Fashion Hair.

2005-08-27T09:34:00.000+09:30

My friends call me Fashion Hair.
Originally uploaded by pipstar_battlecat.
If you've ever wondered why I get called Fashion Hair by the rest of The Dollhouse here is the answer to your question.

2005-08-27T09:00:00.000+09:30

Unlike the kids over at BaWaWeCra, The Cat in the Dollhouse does not have rules about posting about events outside of the house. So it falls to me to record an accidental meeting I had with Jimmy and Matt in the supermarket on Thursday night.

Jim was sick and Fatty B was sober. Neither one of them was prepared to deal with an "outsider" and so our meeting was brief. I however blew them away with my staggeringly foxy hairdo and good health.

No wonder they are afraid of the outside world. No wonder they are afraid of us. After all The Dollhouse has a "model" and a Master Smith.

2005-08-25T20:20:00.000+09:30

I would just like to say it is MMORPG not MMPOG you forgot the all important R for ROLEPLAY. For those unfamiliar with teh roleplay here is an avatar of my most awesome character Skala N'Tala:

and in conclusion

ultimate in dolls online

2005-08-22T22:55:00.000+09:30

i think that The Martyr has a secret plan to get all of the other ladies playing her freaky geeky online cult game called ultima online. she keeps on coming out of her room looking all pale and then shakily mutters about gold and her awesome blacksmithing skills.

despite my employment and implied interest in the computer games industry, i know better than to get sucked into U.O. however jess is relatively innocent. it was less than a month ago that she found out what a modem was, so she's ripe for the picking... vulnerable to the charms of the global intramanet. whenever marlaina walks past wearing her ultima online merchandising bling, jess's eyes light up. and then tonight she was listening intently, too intently to marlaina's tales of wealth and magic and mmpog quiz nights.

i'm afraid for the spirit of the dollhouse. we lost lucy to her boyfriend and domesticity, and marlaina's grip on reality is becoming tenuous and she spends too much time in her room roleplaying. and i think that karen is turning against my inspirational singing which i going to hinder my plans to have Tales From The Dollhouse: The Album released in time for Christmas. despite jess's recent participation in my The Good Life Season One marathon, I know that it will only be a matter of time before she is lost to study or follows The Martyr into the roleplaying abyss.

Karen Dreams of this oder Karen Träume von diesem

2005-08-22T21:15:00.000+09:30

Campari anyone?

B-grade love

2005-08-22T18:20:00.000+09:30

Watching the hilarious "800 years of Channel 10" last night reminded me of my first celebrity crush ever: the curly haired bronze god who flew the helicopter in Chopper Squad. I was uber young at the time so doubt any of the dollies will know what I'm talking about. But perhaps some of you olda kids will?

Confess: Who was your first celebrity crush? ...

please stop singing dollies

2005-08-21T22:55:00.000+09:30

There's too much spontaneous singing in this house. They're all guilty of it and I can't fake smile through it anymore it's really really painful

Totally Def

2005-08-21T18:56:00.000+09:30

Since my last post about wanton use of kitchen implements almost came to blows in the dollhouse yesterday, and at which I was remarked to be "rather sensitive" which we all know is a euphemism for "dull, annoying and having the personality of wet white bread", I have made a personal descision to not blog about house matters anymore, unless they be twee or related only to me. Or house matters that may be purely speculative or actual fiction e.g fake smile has a ginge minge or that potato slept with a man who is known to be gay and left her knickers on his couch, or that fashion hair keeps bringing up the possibility of a house group sex party "as a joke" even though it is obvious to the rest of us that she is a dirty pervert.

so, that leaves me with the quandry of "what to write about" if I were a writer I could go on some self-referential speil and perhaps create a character that may or may not be me and talk on about how I have nothing to write about, or about writer's dilemas, thankfully tho I am neither a wanker nor a writer so I shall instead discuss my plans to do a Masters in Fine Arts.

I am thinking of doing my Masters at the University of New South Wales, at COFA, although I could just do my Masters at Sydney University where I did my undergraduate studies. But I have heard it looks good, and is better for you, to do your post-grad work somewhere else. VCA is also a possibility but I was told in confidence by a superior of that instutution that it is falling apart from the insides. So its COFA or SCA, I have to ring them for some info packs, esp. relating to scholarships and exchange programs. DISCUSS.

on other matters, I was at a great party last night, and saw some great things, including cock and balls, someone jumping through a door and a spontanious piece of musical theatre performed by the boy who was a mermaid. I also got a haircut (thanks nick) but unfortunately didn't get to use the bidet, which I was really looking forward to. To console my disappointed anus I am going to watch Australian Idol.

Movie Meme

2005-08-20T17:21:00.000+09:30

so here is a link to a meme where I have posted 11 images from 11 of my favourite movies. Can you guess them all??

linky link

stubby is a loud mouthed jerk with bad hair (or: why i am not a wine snob)

2005-08-20T16:59:00.000+09:30

i'm not sure who this stuart bloke thinks he is, but he'd better watch who he messes with. let's get one thing straight from the start. i don't have a problem with cask wine per se, in fact, there's a special place for it in my heart: when i fractured my ankle playing basketball, my physio recommended that as part of re-hab i spend time balancing on one foot on a partially inflated (empty of wine) goon bag. and, if memory serves correctly, i think i actually drank some goon at a house party in fremantle in 1998. so, as you can see, there is absolutely no basis in fact whatsoever for Mr PHD's spurious and quite frankly libellous, claims that i'm opposed in some way to the consumption of goon in our house.

secondly, his hair really sucks right now. he obviously thinks he can just bugger off to europe to escape the heat and that when he decides to come back we'll welcome him with open arms. well, four eyes, consider these arms closed to you! sesame may still want to be your friend, but personally, i'd be worried about the fact that the only person who doesn't have a gag reflex at the sound of your name is a transcat who's interpersonal relationships are governed by a tri-weekly date with a progesterone sharp (no offence ses, i'm well sensitive to your struggle).

the moral of the story is that at the next party we have at the house (oh sorry...i mean the next party at which you decided to grace us with your presence) we'll all be drinking basket press and you can have your own personal box of coolabah ridge.

byo bucket!

Sesame or Sesamina?

2005-08-20T11:26:00.000+09:30

After 4 months without progesterone, Sesame is right back to being a grumpy puss. He lunges for my leg with claws and teeth out whenever his bowl isn't full. I feed him more than enough, give him loads of attention and even a hot water bottle on cold nights but the little bugger attacks me anyway.
So it might be time for another healthy dose of fem hormones from the vet. Only concern is if Ses loses his edge over the grey cat who stalks his territory. I'll be might ashamed if he attempts border negotiations over tea and kippers, rather than just ripping the hell out of him.

Oh Um Marlaina.....

2005-08-17T22:20:00.000+09:30

Well it seems like I committed a modern faux pas, that is using someone else’s Tupperware. For some reason it’s the kitchen item that most gets people's knickers in a knot. That and wooden chopping boards. Perhaps we could solve such embarrassing moments in future by posting handy usage hints on all items in the kitchen....

as for me, I have decided my spotty bowls are never to be taken to people's rooms, and my green tea cups are not to be used to drink anything but herbal tea, because, like, I really hate the scum that normal tea and coffee leaves on the inside.....

Get your gazelle carcasses here

2005-08-16T20:57:00.000+09:30

It's been done before by the lovely Ann but I pose the question again for the uninitiated: which member of Teen Girl Squad are you?

I was, am and will always be Cheerleader.

If you're not sure what I'm talking about please click here

Some People Are Just Too Popular...

2005-08-16T00:39:00.000+09:30

Miss Potato Head who we were holding a HouseMating party in honour of has been invited to a wedding on the same night as the aforementioned party. Apparently there will be excellent booze and eligible gentlemen at the wedding, whereas a party at our house would be fuelled by wine from goon bag and the presence of the ineligible Mikey "Oh my God! Isn't He The Loveliest, Nicest Guy You've Ever Seen" G.

So for those of you are in the know, the party is now happening a week later. If you aren't in the know, thankyou for paying attention to us even though we don't know who you are. If you think that we should know you - email us at:

notreallystalkingthedollhouseladies *at* battlecat *dot* net

and we'll either email you back or get the cops onto you.

wholesome?

2005-08-15T21:51:00.000+09:30

So Tim didn't win BB05, such a shame for people like me who were stupid enough to spend $1.50 on SMS to evict Greg. Sadly Australia didn't vote for an emo, and instead went for the boy next door, lovable handsome lad-about. For shame. But as Karen pointed out, this means Tim would be more avaliable to attend our housemating party, being a sad sorry loser in need of a good time. Although I wouldn't call spending time with Karen as "good".....

In other news I have decided to bestow my housemates with new nicknames, they are:

Fashion Hair
Potato
Fake Smile

I should have a name too but my housemates are to slow and unimaginative to think of a good one. i tried to throw in some suggestions.... It just better not be anything too bad, I have a fragile soul & ego.

Tonight when I got home I cleaned up the crap all around the sink and emptied the dishwasher. I also brought in the mail. Perhaps my name could be something like "angel" "god-send" or simply "god".

I haven't said enough about Feargal Sharkey

2005-08-14T19:02:00.001+09:30

Friends, I have linked to Feargal surreptitiously in a previous post about Tim from BB but I'm afraid it hasn't satiated my desire to discuss how truly superb he was. In particular, that gem of a song 'A Good Heart'.
I'm quite aware that the ever-widening gap between my age and the age of almost all my friends and certainly housemates means that only a select few will remember the joy that was Feargal's song. But 'A Good Heart' has all the wisdom, tacky sentiment and tenuous electronica necessary to make a quintessential 80s song. And it falls smack in the middle of that most tumultous of decades where if I remember rightly, it sat for many weeks as number 1 on the Oz charts. We heard very little from Feargal in Australia after that. He is often cited as a one-hit-wonder on our shores. But lord, what a hit!

The love that dare not speak its name

2005-08-14T16:10:00.000+09:30

Last Night at the Dollhouse we spoke at length about news reports that a high profile Sydney Businessman was charged with counts of bestiality and animal cuelty. Evidently he was renting on empty office space and using it to pleasure himself with guinea pigs and rabbits, and got caught by security monitering of an adjacent alleyway.

Jess remarked that she simply could not work out the logistics of fucking a guinea pig since their "iced vo-vos" are so small, to which Stewart (aka Stubby) replied, "evidently you need to wind duct tape around them to make sure they don't just fall apart.."

An acute silence followed.

Of course Karen, our most repressed housemate, was wailing about how disguting it all was and could we "please stop talking about bestiality, its just wrong", and yet she was the first one to get on the internet and look up animal torture websites. Having decalred she wasn't going to slurry her browser history with such keywords...

I bet Karen's browser history looks a bit like this:

www.bonzaikitten.com
www.barnyardbeauties.com
www.ebay.com.au
www.bigbrother.com.au
www.donkeyshlong.de

Jeopardy

2005-08-14T16:06:00.000+09:30

My dream Jeopardy catagories would be:

The X-Files
Radiohead Lyrics
HTML
Modern German Photography
1984
Movies Kevin Spacey Has Been In
20th Century North American Serial Killers

i hate jackie o

2005-08-11T20:09:00.000+09:30

i get really fucked off by lousy lazy advertising, and this dumb tart has really annoyed me with her latest 'offering': some shite about a hair survey designed to prove that, despite popular opinion, all blondes aren't, like, totally fucking stupid.

which is ironic coming from someone who keeps such a diverse range of beasts in her promotional stable. like the other ad she's in which is playing at the same time as the dumb blonde hair survey ad which is about a girl about town who a)keeps a dog in a fucking handbag and b)is so busy checking some boy's arse that her brain presumably overloads, and she forgets that she's left said dog in said handbag on the roof of her car. thank the lord above, the car handles so well on those tricky inner-city corners that when she reaches her destination, the poor bloody animal is still on the roof. phew! after enough blonde hair tossing around to give a porn star whiplash, she trots off to get her nails done, or pubes waxed or some shite. so, car = intelligent enough to save the dog with its impressive cornering; jackie 'the blonde' o = too dumb to think about more than one thing at once.

so, fine. i appreciate that a girl's gotta make a buck, but this is just really, really....dumb. she's dumb. and boring and she looks like a dog's breakfast in a red cat suit:

for more examples of how dumb and boring she is, check out this

if you feel the need to prove that you're not a dumb blonde, and to see a photo of the Plastic One with very bad fake tan, you can take the sunsilk hair survey here and have the chance to tell her in person how dumb and boring she is!

thats when good neighbours....

2005-08-11T20:02:00.000+09:30

I have been watching dilligently the recent intruiges on neighbours, esp. fascinating me is the "unspoken" love between Connor and Serena, and with Connors sexy accent and my recent Bi-musings, it was fate that the two would combine... with sexy results!

Thats right, my first ever sexy neighbours dream, where upon de-shirting the frisky Connor I was shocked to see he had well formed little breasts. At first I was hesitant to continue, but his soothing voice and persistant urgings made one thing lead to another...

of course in the morning all I felt was shame, the kind of shame only scalding water and steel wool can remove... and for your dirty pleasure, i offer an artists impression of the bounty of Connor...

afterthought: what is -up- with the neighbours storyline at the moment? Discuss!

we're coming to get you

2005-08-10T15:06:00.000+09:30

I'm going to convince Marlaina to process the roll of cute cat photos in the hope that we can find a picture of Sesame to send to StuffOnMyCat.com.

That cat had better watch out.

Anxiety

2005-08-10T10:35:00.000+09:30

I heard the girls talking about how "cute" I am again last night. One of them even has a roll of film of me in adorable poses. MUST DESTROY THAT FILM. There is a fine cat on the block, black hair, trim, young, you know the type. She thinks I am super tough, and I just can't allow anything to hurt my macho cred. Usually I don't go in for gender stereotypes, but one look from a pretty face and my refinements go out the window llike so much spent litter.

Screaming Hole

2005-08-09T16:16:00.000+09:30

I like to wake up to a bit of Hole, a bit of Courtney Love. Her voice is like silk to us cats. Sometimes I like to lie on the verandah in the afternoon sun and think about sitting on Courtney's lap, being stroked by Frances Bean. I wish I was born in to a society family. Those cats with their kippers and scratching posts. If I even go near the couch I get sprayed with the water bottle. This is no life for a cat, I want to be the cat with the most cake.